Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Potatoes were such a good idea
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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What if all the cashiers are married?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
gentlemen, hear me out
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.