“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?