Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.