Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.