I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
who wants to go expliring
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated