Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled