One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good