Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.