“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….