Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.