I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,