I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶