H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come