[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I did not eat the cake…
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!