Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.