I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.