I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
You Might Also Like
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now