My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
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Based Erika
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Well, this certainly took a turn
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.