HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.