it be like that
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
(by @ZachWeiner )
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.