The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
For those that worship cheese..
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
rapatouille
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.