oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
You Might Also Like
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT