Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.