As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Perfection.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question