If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.