The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.