In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Krampus.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin