#Caturday
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.