Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn