I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.