People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments