Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.