Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
.. do you even science?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.