familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
You Might Also Like
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?