My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids