When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
me
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat