The three genders
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ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Our lord and savoury.
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
just gave your address to some spiders
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.