i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
live, laugh, laundry.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”