Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?