Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
😂 amazing answer
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.