Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.