I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake