House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
me and who
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.