Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
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depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
For the orator and chef in all of us
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.