ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.