When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I would like even faster food.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.