“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I finally found a reason to live again.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family