Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Only Americans understand
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo