Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
You Might Also Like
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.