Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”